March 26, 2007

I am a 21 year old female from Southern California.  The past few years have been pretty restless for me.  It’s not that I want to be away from my family, I keep wanting to go on extended trips, attending collegiate programs in Texas and Florida, but returning home after each of them. I still do not feel fulfilled with staying at home. I’ve come up with a couple of reasons why I think I don’t feel satisfied at home.  I’m not too sure which one is the real reason for it. 

1) I do not want to follow the typical path for many Apostolic females, and reach a certain age and get married.  My fear is looking back when I’m 50 and wondering what would have happened if I took that giant step and moved across the country to get my dream job or visit the Aztec ruins; it would be easier to get my dream job without a husband. I know I could probably do it with one, but it sounds easier if I just delay it.

2) At home, it frustrates me, I would love to move out and live on my own, but the cost of living here is so high it’s impossible.  I love my family and I love my parents and appreciate everything they’ve done for me, but sometimes I feel as if I need to move out.  I do not want to get married anytime soon.

Everywhere I have been, I have prayed before seriously thinking about it, and I have had pastoral guidance and approval for each trip.  I am involved in singing in the choir and am currently a youth leader in our youth ministry.  Wherever I was, I made it a priority to attend a good Apostolic church. 

Every time I return from a trip saints usually ask earnestly if I’m back for good, I want to say yes, but I don’t know; I feel so restless.  I’ve had some people come to me telling me of how bold I am, almost as if it were a bad thing.  As I observe everyone else around me, I never see any other young Apostolic ladies taking trips and experiencing things like I do.  It’s acceptable in other countries, sometimes encouraged.  Is it wrong for a girl to be so daring?  Is it not lady-like? 

Will this help me with a future ministry or am I just spinning my wheels not doing anything productive?  How should I go about being so restless?

Sincerely,

Restless in Southern California

Dear Ms. Southern California

It’s tough to be in the crossfire--that middle ground of life.  Caught between the coming and going.  It happens in junior high.  We face it after high school.  We face it when the kids leave the house.  Such is the fodder of life.

Although it is not popular to state, 21 is the official end of adolescence.  It is the last exit on the highway connecting childhood and adult life.  “Frustrating” and “restless” capture the essence of emotion for a lot of young women and men.  Clear perspective, like a good set of headlights, can move you through the transition relatively unscathed.  Sometimes that clear perspective is borrowed . . . and that’s okay.  I’ll loan you some of mine for a moment.

It strikes me that you are so preoccupied about sacrificing the future (your dream job and that trip to the Aztec ruins), that you’re actually sacrificing the present.  Most of us won’t see South America or Asia.  And the “dream job” that you don’t want to miss was never identified.  A future that is vague produces a present that is directionless.  The adage is “if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.”  I think it could be clarifying and helpful for you to make your future a matter of prayer and allow God to enlighten the course that He wants you to pursue.

Several of your comments may reveal a bit of an edge in your perceptions.  I appreciate that you do not want to follow the typical path for many Apostolic females and reach a certain age and get married.  I think you mean that you don’t want to just get married from a desperation linked to some of our cultural expectations.  That’s fine, but please don’t label people that choose that path.  The reality is, it’s not just Apostolic females.  And what is that “certain age” anyway? 

I have been acquainted with many Apostolic women in their twenties who travel and desire to explore and experience culture, diversity, and out-of-the-box ministry venues.  I applaud each one.  They’re out there.  Don’t fall into the trap of self-focus as Elijah did.  He was an obvious anointed, powerfully used vessel of God given to self-focus and depression.  I Kings 19:14 reveals Elijah’s struggle with self:  “I, even I only.”  Most of us have been there, we just get to read about him . . . and you.  He wasn’t the only one.  There were 7,000 just as faithful.  You’re not the only one either.

That being said, let me offer a final observation for you to consider.  Are you running from some things instead of running to them?  It seems as if your energies are focused on getting away from home and things traditional rather than arriving at a specific place.  Allow yourself to move past the judgments of right wing and left, liberal and conservative, elder and peer and take a long prayerful look at where your car is parked now.  It doesn’t sound as if you’re pursuing your dream job now.  It doesn’t sound as if any international trips are planned.  Don’t waste today fretting over what may not happen in 2025.  I could be totally preoccupied with my presidential bid in 2016, but haven’t actually even applied to law school.  That would be putting the cart before the horse.

Give God a window to reveal His dream.  It may be, probably will be, an unfolding saga.  Get okay with that.  Two givens:  He’s not in a hurry and He won’t let you miss it.

If any lack wisdom, let them ask of God who gives liberally and doesn’t hold back.

Andy

© 2007, Andrew Smith

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Andrew Smith, who has a master’s in family studies, provides pastoral care and family life education for a living. But he answers your Apostolic life questions for free! Email themto editor@ninetyandnine.com and see what Andy says.